Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
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My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.