Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
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Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Hey i am sexy to you now
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.