[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
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Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Breaking news:
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Bed should get ready for ME
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you