Do robots dream of electric sheep?
You Might Also Like
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time