THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
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I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Oh. My. God.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.