I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
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Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back