*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
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mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it