Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
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ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”