Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
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Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.