I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
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If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
road rage
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers