I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
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You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.