This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
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“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.