My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
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Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.