[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
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*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled