the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
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I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*