me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
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There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
selena gomez
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.