PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
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[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine