I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
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Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.