You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
You Might Also Like
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
i’m still crying at this
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not