‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
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My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Nose
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Sing it!
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I am never leaving this website
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Accurate
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”