ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
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Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Those are good neighbors.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Wedding planning is organized crime.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?