If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
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Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park