Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
You Might Also Like
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Y’all know who you are.
School be like
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced