Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
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I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
I am laughing way too hard at this.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.