We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
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I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry