I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
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them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.