TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
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FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense