When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
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It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.