Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
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A leaf blower, but for people.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.