Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
You Might Also Like
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower