I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
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Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport