Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
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“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.