“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
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My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.