When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
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My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
how to have an accident 101
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.