If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
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I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers