“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
You Might Also Like
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?