Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
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Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.