Aw man, but that’s the best part
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I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Hot Panini is in big trouble
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.