If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
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God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
You look like you would fail a DNA test
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3