Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
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I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.