Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
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i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.