PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
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Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
[at the general store]
me: one general please
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
this will hang in the louvre one day
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)