So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
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Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
when you order from DoorDastardly
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water