I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
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INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.