Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
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They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
dream blunt rotation
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.