*mops up wine with cat*
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I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger