So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
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Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
He just like my cat fr
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs