> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
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Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish