Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
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[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
brian had himself a morning…
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.