[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
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Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.